Friends and family who have been following our infertility journey--I know many of you have wanted another update about round two of IVF (aka, our first Frozen Embryo Transfer).
As many of you know, we transferred two frozen embryos on July 18th. The transfer itself went a lot smoother than the first time. Our embryos this time successfully transferred with one pass through the catheter (last time it took two passes). We were so excited this time around because we had decided to put two embryos in. We were feeling good--the two embryos gave us peace of mind. Some of you might think we were crazy for putting two in, but here's the reality of transferring two embryos--just because you transfer two doesn't mean that they will both stick or that either of them will stick. If two were to stick, then so be it--that was our thinking. After the transfer we waited two weeks to find out whether or not our little babes stuck. Anyone who struggles with infertility and has been through this process knows what I mean when I say, those two weeks are literally the LONGEST two weeks of your life. At least they seem that way. Throughout those two weeks, you try to figure out what every twinge and cramp means. You pray for a sign that tells you that you are indeed pregnant. Three days after our transfer, I experienced quite a bit of spotting. More spotting followed the next day. My immediate thought was, "Could this be implantation bleeding?!!!" Every day after this I experienced very light spotting in the morning and afternoon. This was VERY different from my normal cycles. I had NEVER experienced spotting this many days before my period was due. I thought for sure that this difference was a good thing, that I could in fact be pregnant. After two weeks of holding onto hope and feeling confident in this round (because my period didn't show up), it was time to take my blood test. We walked with our head held high into the doctor's office and the nurse took my blood. I couldn't wait to hear the results later that day. I started to put the cart before the horse as I waited for the doctor's office to call with the results--I began playing out how I would tell Eric, how we would tell our families, and how we would tell the world that we beat infertility after all these years. Around 3:00 the doctor's office called. I answered the phone with so much excitement, but I was met with a voice that didn't seem as ecstatic. The nurse then told me that unfortunately, my blood test was negative. My immediate response was, "You're kidding?" She said, "unfortunately I'm not kidding. I'm so sorry." I replied, "But I haven't started my period!" She proceeded to tell me that the estrogen pills and progesterone capsules I'd been taking could keep my period from coming. I said, "Okay, well if that's the case then why have I been experiencing spotting since three days after transfer? She said, "The progesterone capsules can cause you to spot." I appreciated the information, although I had read that online--just didn't believe mine was from the progesterone since the first IVF round with progesterone didn't have this "spotting" effect on me. I'm now wondering if it had to do with me using a generic form of progesterone capsules this time around. Lesson #1 learned from this round of IVF--you can NEVER rely on your symptoms…what you think might be a symptom of pregnancy could very easily just be a symptom from your meds. As much as that sucks, it's true. There's absolutely no telling if you're pregnant until you get the results of your blood test.
The night we received our blood test results might've been the hardest night we've had so far in this journey. A lot of tears were shed (I ugly cried for a good two hours). It all of a sudden became hard for me to think positively and my mind began to go back to that questioning God state. In the midst of my ugly crying, Eric helped remind me of how far we've come and why we're doing this. In the 11 years that we've been together, we've never had such a serious conversation about God. Not only did we talk about how much we've grown in our faith and how to revamp our prayers, but we also talked about our IVF experience.
There were a few things that we talked about specifically that stuck with me:
1. If we had gotten pregnant after doing our first IUI last year, we would've been so undeserving of that child. We wouldn't have grown together like we have. (Side note: A lot of people have asked if infertility has distanced Eric and I from each other--in the beginning it did. We were keeping a huge secret from others and I didn't like that. I wanted our voices to be heard, but Eric wasn't quite in that mind set yet. That was extremely hard for me, but I pushed on. Eric admitted to me that a year ago he was scared to death thinking about bringing a baby into this world. The feeling of having another human being solely relying on us to keep it alive and healthy was overwhelming to him. He admitted to me the night we found out our blood results that he's no longer scared, but ready. If our first IUI would've worked back in 2015, we wouldn't have gotten to experience this complete shift in mindset. God knew that, hence why those IUIs didn't work for us).
2. IVF isn't as easy as a lot of people think it is. Eric and I discussed how those going through infertility (and even those who aren't) have this false idea that infertility treatments are going to work the first time or that they will cure everything. Wrong. The real truth is that it may take several rounds of IVF before having a successful pregnancy. There's also the possibility that your infertility treatments won't work at all. As negative as this all sounds, it's the truth. That cold hard truth that we speak of. Don't get me wrong, we have a fabulous doctor that has adjusted our treatments to suit our case, but only God knows whether or not these treatments are going to lead us to the light at the end of the tunnel--that joy that we've been waiting to experience for four years now.
3. God makes promises if we just listen for His voice. (A little back story to what I'm about to tell you: After our first failed IVF round, I spoke with my mom. She told me that sometimes God speaks to us if we are quiet and just listen for His voice and guidance. She asked me, "Mary, haven't you ever experienced God speaking to you?" I told her that I couldn't think of an instance where I knew that God was speaking to me. I then asked, "How do you know that it's God speaking to you?" She replied, "Trust me, you'll know. There will be a peace that comes over you after He's spoken to you and He will keep repeating himself just in case you don't get it the first time." Not but an hour later as I was praying, God spoke to me…loud and clear. He spoke the name, "Abraham" to me. I immediately thought, "Is that you God?" Oh it was Him alright, but I didn't know that for sure until a little bit later. I couldn't get that name (Abraham) out of my head. I went upstairs to take a shower and I pondered why God gave me this name. All of a sudden it dawned on me….maybe God wanted me to look up Abraham in the Bible. I'm no Bible expert and I had no idea what the story of Abraham was. After getting out of the shower, I typed into Google, "The story of Abraham in the Bible." What I found had me in tears. If you are struggling with infertility, look up these stories. I can guarantee that you will be able to relate to them. For those of you who don't know, Abraham was married to Sarah, who was barren. God spoke to Abraham and told him that he would have a son named Isaac. Abraham and Sarah were both in their nineties and as impossible as this idea seemed, Abraham believed that God would fulfill the promise He made him…..and He DID. This story hit home to me and I began to cry reading it. I started to read all of the other stories about Abraham (Abraham leaving his home and traveling to the Promised Land because God told him to do so, Abraham being willing to give his son Isaac as a burnt offering, but God stopping him in the midst of it and telling him to use an animal instead, etc.). These stories helped me to realize how similar our journey is to Abraham's. Time and time again, Abraham's faith was tested by God….just like how our faith has been tested time and time again by God in our infertility journey. By speaking the name Abraham to me, God was giving me a promise. A promise that He was going to see us through this hardship--that He is walking through the fire right beside us and that this pain we are experiencing now won't compare to the joy that is coming. We must follow the path that God has made for us and accept whatever it is that He has in store for us. Abraham didn't know where God was leading him, but he trusted in God to take him where he needed to go. If we listen to God's voice closely enough, He will lead us exactly where we are supposed to go. Through these stories, we are also reminded that God takes what seems like the impossible and makes it possible. The name and stories of Abraham will always remind us of the promise God gave us that day. The promise that He's going to see us through this struggle and that we must trust Him to be in control of our situation.
After Eric and my two hour conversation, we prayed together. We prayed that God would open up a door for us if we were meant to continue with IVF. That God would be in control of when we did the next round if it was in His will for us to continue on this journey. If not this journey, we prayed that He would open up another door that told us otherwise. The next day (within an hour of me praying these same things over again), our fertility doctor called us personally (we've NEVER spoken with him on the phone--always just the nurses). He was looking through our file and noticed our negative blood test result. After reflecting on our treatments, he suggested that we do endometrial scratching. This was a procedure that we'd never even heard of before. Dr. B. explained the procedure to us and explained that this scratching would hopefully help our embryos to grab onto my uterine lining. Our issue as of now is that we have perfectly healthy looking embryos, but they're not sticking in order to implant themselves into my uterus. Endometrial scratching is known to help with this issue. By going inside of me with a catheter, Dr. B. was able to scratch my lining, which fosters new growth cells, which will hopefully help our embryos to stick and implant themselves. This procedure wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was uncomfortable, sure, but the pressure/extreme cramping I felt while the scratching was happening only lasted for a minute (thank goodness!!! Squeezed Eric's hand the whole time!). The biopsy of my lining that Dr. B. took was sent off and examined. We have yet to hear the results of that biopsy as to whether or not everything is normal looking. Praying that everything comes back normal! Due to us doing the scratching this month (which is when Dr. B wanted it done) I had to take this cycle off from doing IVF. The scratching effect lasts for six months, so we must use the coming months to our benefit. Dr. B. would like us to go right into our next frozen embryo transfer in September. They find the first few months after the scratching to be the most successful. We are praying for success.
If our infertility journey has taught us anything, it's that God opens doors right when He knows you need them the most. Was it a coincidence that our doctor called within hours of us praying for a door to be opened if we were supposed to continue with IVF? Maybe, but I doubt it. God heard our prayer. He reassured us that this is in fact the route that we are supposed to be on. So we will continue on--walking by faith, just like Abraham did. Our trust is in God that He is going to see us through this struggle….someway, somehow, in HIS timing.
Please if you will, continue to pray for us as we explore this new route that God has placed in front of us. Please pray that God will help continue to strengthen our relationship with Him and guide us in the direction that we are supposed to go. We pray that God will help us to remain faithful and hopeful that this pain will come to an end one day. Lastly, we ask that God will remind us of the promise of Abraham.
I've been reading a book titled, "Abraham, A Journey to the Heart of Three Faiths." I've learned a lot from this book about Abraham, but one line resonated with me this past week. "The message of Abraham is to be alone, to be quiet, and to listen. If you never hear the Call in the first place, you'll never know which way to go." Oh how true this line is. God called to me in my silence as I sat listening for Him to speak to me. The moment He spoke Abraham's name to me, a peace came over me. This is our calling--to experience and share our journey through infertility--though it be very hard at times--we must hold on to our faith because God is not done with us yet. And so our journey continues…….
